Hope is a powerful healer, although it is commonly considered by the general public as a fleeting will-o-the-wisp factor in the grief process. In reality, nothing is accomplished without it because it is hope-present on a conscious or an unconscious level-that is the behind-the-scenes motivator for pulling ourselves out of a downward spiral and reinvesting in life.
In practical terms, hope is a belief about possibilities, various ways that we can manage the dark night we are facing. In essence, hope believes in the future, that we have choices on which way to turn. In short, it is looking at the different ways to deal with loss.
But how can we get to a place in our heads where hope allows us to see the possibilities that lie before us in dealing with a great loss? After all, we are full of anguish, sorrow, and often full blown despair. Here are six ways you can generate hope and begin to take a new path in life. That's what pain is telling us to do-change direction.
1. Make a decision right now that you are going to take action to combat whatever emotion or physical pain you are dealing with in the present moment. Action alone, going for it, is in itself hope-inducing. It says you are still in control of what you can do. An achievement, whether big or small, will lift you up, give you fuel for the courage needed to face the next day or hour without your loved one. You are the only one who can muster that courage. No one else can do it for you. Thus action is its own reward.
2. Place yourself around loving people as often as possible. People are messengers of hope because their presence alone makes us feel someone cares. Search for those who know sorrow and have been through major losses; they know the need for a sympathetic ear and someone who will just be there with your pain.
Consider joining a support group if friends or family are unable to provide the caring concern you need. Often, support group members connect with each other and are able to forge strong interpersonal relationships that endure for years. The conviction that we are still loved is the bedrock for building hope. As Thomas Merton observed, "In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything."
3. Although you are in pain, choose to help another, or provide a service you know you are good at. What can you do to help others who are grieving your loss? What ways can you provide comfort? In doing so, you will also be helping yourself. Norman Vincent Peale put it this way: "When you become detached mentally from yourself and concentrate on helping other people with their difficulties, you will be able to cope with your own more effectively. Somehow, the act of self-giving is a personal power-releasing factor." The results of your work will bring a glimmer of hope; you clearly affect others.
You possess the power of service. Yes, it will not be easy to take the focus off yourself as you wrestle with a constellation of feelings. Give it a try and you will see that it reduces the strain you are under, highlights your importance, and your meaningful contribution.
4. Show your love for others. The physiological and emotional benefits of hugging are well known; it is one of the best daily medicines you can take throughout life. Make every effort to find those who are comfortable giving and receiving hugs. Kiss your children. Look to find ways to express kindness especially during the darkest hour. Show your gratitude and give an enthusiastic thank you to all who help you in any way. Send loving thoughts regularly to those who are off to work or school or live out of state.
Love is a little used dynamo for instilling hope on a consistent basis. There is no more powerful generator of hope than unconditional love. Develop your awareness of when you should be showing love and caring to others in various situations throughout the day.
5. Start learning to love in separation. Find ways to show that love lives on and believe there will always be love between you and the deceased. Loving in separation means finding your own individual ways to continue to honor and express your love for the person you are mourning. Love has always been stronger than death.
Tell him/her that your love will continue on. Put it in writing in your journal or say it out loud in front of a picture of the person. Have a "remember when" session when appropriate with family and/or friends. Display an object that reminds you of his/her love. Build a scrapbook of memories. Light a recognition candle at dinner on a birthday or anniversary. Ask for help on a problem from the other side. Make your own unique ritual to honor the loved one.
6. Get in touch with and strengthen your faith tradition. I often ask my support groups how they have made it this far in their grief. What has sustained them? I can't begin to tell you how many people have told me that they pray or go to a house of worship and it has helped them immensely. Review your beliefs about your Higher Power. Read more about spiritual beliefs from others who think about the unknown as you do. Start a daily spiritual exercise. Read from a daily inspirational book. Meditate on the message of the day for several minutes and try to apply it that day.
To summarize: in each of the above make the decision to choose hope. Be patient. Take a time out after trying each one, and brainstorm what additional possibilities present themselves for reengaging the world. The more you uncover, the more you can assume that hope is budding anew. Become an expert at keeping hope alive by interacting with others and you will grow through your great loss by allowing it to transform you and see the world and your loved one through a different lens.
In practical terms, hope is a belief about possibilities, various ways that we can manage the dark night we are facing. In essence, hope believes in the future, that we have choices on which way to turn. In short, it is looking at the different ways to deal with loss.
But how can we get to a place in our heads where hope allows us to see the possibilities that lie before us in dealing with a great loss? After all, we are full of anguish, sorrow, and often full blown despair. Here are six ways you can generate hope and begin to take a new path in life. That's what pain is telling us to do-change direction.
1. Make a decision right now that you are going to take action to combat whatever emotion or physical pain you are dealing with in the present moment. Action alone, going for it, is in itself hope-inducing. It says you are still in control of what you can do. An achievement, whether big or small, will lift you up, give you fuel for the courage needed to face the next day or hour without your loved one. You are the only one who can muster that courage. No one else can do it for you. Thus action is its own reward.
2. Place yourself around loving people as often as possible. People are messengers of hope because their presence alone makes us feel someone cares. Search for those who know sorrow and have been through major losses; they know the need for a sympathetic ear and someone who will just be there with your pain.
Consider joining a support group if friends or family are unable to provide the caring concern you need. Often, support group members connect with each other and are able to forge strong interpersonal relationships that endure for years. The conviction that we are still loved is the bedrock for building hope. As Thomas Merton observed, "In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything."
3. Although you are in pain, choose to help another, or provide a service you know you are good at. What can you do to help others who are grieving your loss? What ways can you provide comfort? In doing so, you will also be helping yourself. Norman Vincent Peale put it this way: "When you become detached mentally from yourself and concentrate on helping other people with their difficulties, you will be able to cope with your own more effectively. Somehow, the act of self-giving is a personal power-releasing factor." The results of your work will bring a glimmer of hope; you clearly affect others.
You possess the power of service. Yes, it will not be easy to take the focus off yourself as you wrestle with a constellation of feelings. Give it a try and you will see that it reduces the strain you are under, highlights your importance, and your meaningful contribution.
4. Show your love for others. The physiological and emotional benefits of hugging are well known; it is one of the best daily medicines you can take throughout life. Make every effort to find those who are comfortable giving and receiving hugs. Kiss your children. Look to find ways to express kindness especially during the darkest hour. Show your gratitude and give an enthusiastic thank you to all who help you in any way. Send loving thoughts regularly to those who are off to work or school or live out of state.
Love is a little used dynamo for instilling hope on a consistent basis. There is no more powerful generator of hope than unconditional love. Develop your awareness of when you should be showing love and caring to others in various situations throughout the day.
5. Start learning to love in separation. Find ways to show that love lives on and believe there will always be love between you and the deceased. Loving in separation means finding your own individual ways to continue to honor and express your love for the person you are mourning. Love has always been stronger than death.
Tell him/her that your love will continue on. Put it in writing in your journal or say it out loud in front of a picture of the person. Have a "remember when" session when appropriate with family and/or friends. Display an object that reminds you of his/her love. Build a scrapbook of memories. Light a recognition candle at dinner on a birthday or anniversary. Ask for help on a problem from the other side. Make your own unique ritual to honor the loved one.
6. Get in touch with and strengthen your faith tradition. I often ask my support groups how they have made it this far in their grief. What has sustained them? I can't begin to tell you how many people have told me that they pray or go to a house of worship and it has helped them immensely. Review your beliefs about your Higher Power. Read more about spiritual beliefs from others who think about the unknown as you do. Start a daily spiritual exercise. Read from a daily inspirational book. Meditate on the message of the day for several minutes and try to apply it that day.
To summarize: in each of the above make the decision to choose hope. Be patient. Take a time out after trying each one, and brainstorm what additional possibilities present themselves for reengaging the world. The more you uncover, the more you can assume that hope is budding anew. Become an expert at keeping hope alive by interacting with others and you will grow through your great loss by allowing it to transform you and see the world and your loved one through a different lens.
Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lou_LaGrand |  |
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